Today – June 2nd, 2013 10:43 pm
Tonight as I was eating (my second helping of) coffee ice cream I had an “AHA” moment. One of those brain flashes when instantly things are clear and realization hits you subtly … like a wrecking ball.
And the realization wasn’t that I’m lactose intolerant (as I am) and that I really shouldn’t be eating ice cream (let alone a second cup of it) … but that I’ve been kind of absent from my life. And not from other people (at least I don’t think) … but from myself.
I feel as if I’ve been gone. Out to lunch. Away. On holiday (without the holiday). Too busy with life to actually participate in it; too busy doing to actually enjoy what I did. That shouldn’t make any sense, but it does.
I’m busy. I’m ALWAYS busy. But what do I do? Oh, I can list the things that I do and have done in this past year of Chicago-newness … but that’s not what I mean. Those things are chores. Lists upon lists of to-do items. House projects and work projects and animals to care for and things to fix and do and file and whatnot. But what have I done for me?
Tonight I was, once again, looking for my passport. It’s here somewhere but it is hiding on me. I put it “somewhere safe” and now can’t find it since the move. I imagine I’ll find it someday … maybe. But in my search of it tonight I found something else … ME.
I think I’ve been gone for a long time. I think Tim’s passing (almost 7 years now) was much harder on me than I thought. Than anyone thought. Not exactly a downward spiral – but more like a boomerang effect. I got shot off sideways into space and I am on the rebound journey … coming closer to my starting point.
I was going through the twelve built-in drawers that are behind my office desk … some which have not been opened since I closed them nearly a year ago after filling them with “my stuff”. Tonight it was like unearthing treasures from a pirate chest (sans the gold coins – darn it, anyway).
So, THIS is where my colored pencils are! My stickers and confetti. My stationery and goofy magazine clippings. I opened a drawer of craft goods and crayons and card stock. I came upon stampers and ink pads and a box of my secret treasures … little things that used to be on my desk – way back when. What happened to the girl who used to use these things? Where did she go?
Those many years ago when my world turned upside down and inside out all those “things” were pushed aside and left behind and forgotten. I was too busy breathing … working … running a business … surviving. And as the years continued on all the busyness of the days and weeks and months piled up and all those fun and frivolous things (that were ME) were forsaken for the reality of what was imminent … important … necessary … dire … solely upon my shoulders to do. Who had time to send someone a funny magazine article? Who had time to draw? Who had time to paint or write or read?
I looked around my office tonight and then down in my “library” of a living room … I am surrounded by books I have never read. I’ve had every intention of doing so … curling up on the chaise, pug-dog at my feet, snuggled in on a cold, snowy evening. Except those cold, snowy evenings instead found me doing laundry or shampooing carpets or painting woodwork or catching up on the day’s business needs. The most reading I did was of my mail. The most writing I did (other than my blog for a bit) was while paying my bills. The only painting I’ve done has been of walls and trim.
I have missed me. I need to get back to who I was. I miss writing – a LOT – not only my blog entries but letters. I email so much and I love my correspondences but I miss pen and ink. I miss the feel of the smooth paper beneath my hand. I miss watching the mystery unfold from my pen of what is inside my head become what is on paper. I miss the art and flow of cursive writing.
I miss doing crafts. And as silly as it sounds, I miss glue sticks!
So, instead of turning on my laptop tonight after my ironing is done and the dryer sounds its final beep and the hum of the dishwasher is quieted … I’m going to write a letter. And then I’m going to grab a book and climb into bed and enjoy reading it. And tomorrow I’m going to open my craft file (yes, I have a craft file) and pick one to do next weekend. And I’ll do it – even though the laundry and dishes and yard might need tending. I’ll forsake them – not myself.
It’s been too long since I was around and here … in the moment. Finding time for me. I’m finally finding my way back. I’m close. I’ll let you know when I’m home.