July 27, 2025 ~ Sunday (to be a scorcher/we’re hiding out in the “bat cave”)
Today would have been the first day without my dog, Mac, if I had gone through with the euthanasia I had scheduled for yesterday. I canceled it. More aptly, I postponed it. Sigh. It’s been a week.
I’ve had Mac for about 20 months now … he is my 13+ year-old rescued chocolate lab, and he has been “losing” his legs for a while now. A long while. He basically has not much feeling in the back third of his very long, 72# body. He’s been walking around on stiff stick-like legs, and sometimes paws upside down, for a while now. He has been struggling to stand upright when lying down – until he could do that no longer – and would just lie in his bed whimpering for me to help him. Heartbreaking.
So, earlier last week (after trying to gather strength to do the inevitable and after I pulled a chest muscle, nearly dislocated my shoulder, and gave myself a hernia from lifting him – even with his harness on), I decided it was time. Always the most difficult decision as a pet owner. I hate playing God – and yet, there I was. I called Caring Pathways to schedule. (I had used their wonderfully compassionate in-home vet services before when I had Annie.) The woman at the other end of the phone line was nothing but kind … compassionate, understanding, and patient … as I, on my end, babbled and blathered, sobbed and squeaked out my request – sounding nothing like a human being but more like an asthmatic Minnie Mouse.
Kindness – (according to AI) is that “unique quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. It involves showing empathy, compassion, and a willingness to help others without expecting anything in return. It’s a character strength that encompasses tending to and befriending others, and it can manifest in various forms, from small acts of courtesy to larger acts of generosity.” In short – being helpful, motivated by the desire to assist others.
Sometimes, the kindness of others takes my breath away. In today’s world, I sometimes think it is missing altogether … and because of that, I am so amazingly surprised when an act of kindness unfolds.
I should be more open. (I should be less cynical. I should do these things more myself. But, all that is for another post.)
The day before Mac was “scheduled”, I gave him an extra pain med. I thought, if he’s “going out” tomorrow, at least he should be extra comfy today. I walked to the dumpster with some garbage, leaving my gate open because Mac was asleep in his bed in the living room, and I knew he couldn’t get up and get out of the house. Imagine my surprise, on my way back to the house, when I saw him doing his little doggy happy dance at the open gate! WHAT?! HOW?! How did he get up? How did he manage to walk through the house and to the gate? HOW was he dancing!? HOW?!
I had opened a new bottle of meds that morning … were the old pills a lesser mg? Just old? Was he needing more, and I wasn’t giving him the correct dose? I called my vet’s office – and in the course of half an hour (the tech had to call the vet at home) I was informed that I could “up” his meds … they might make him sleepy, but they wouldn’t destroy his liver or put him in a coma. It wouldn’t heal him, but it would stay his execution (so to speak). And, after thinking about what this meant for him/and for me, I canceled his appointment. Well, postponed it … as this is just a temporary fix and his days are numbered – but yesterday was not his day to go to that bridge.
Over the course of the day, I watched him practically run around the back tree, prance up the bark ramp, high-step over the threshold into the house … it was astounding! Of course, there were also times when I had to lift him up, right his feet, clean up poop and drool … and though he also slept like Rip Van Winkle … I felt better that I’d given him a little more time. His last meal of (more) bacon and warm chocolate chip cookies would have to wait! Hernia be damned! The always-eating, poop-machine, and fur-factory was still with us!
And so, it appeared that he (nor I) was ready to have him “go” yet. All in due time. I had picked yesterday to be that day because it was my husband’s 19th anniversary of his passing. (How is that possible?!) Selfishly, I just couldn’t bear to have yet another death anniversary date on my July calendar page next year (there are too many already) – so, I thought they could share a date … the two “Macs”. Sigh. July isn’t over for a few more days, but I think this Mac will now last until next month – but who knows? He might “go” tomorrow. But when his time does come, I’ll feel less like a murderer, and it’ll be more on the dog’s terms than mine. I’ll know he’ll let me know when he is ready, knowing I did all I could, and that is something I can live with.
Kindness … that vet tech could have told me that the doctor was not reachable, or she could have chosen not to call him. The doctor could not have been bothered to answer his phone or call back. I am touched that they both showed me (and Mac) kindness in our time of need.
Sometime before deciding to postpone Mac’s appointment and while making myself sick (too much crying!) and yoyo-ing my way into an anxiety attack (over the dog’s impending demise), I received phone calls, a visit, and emails expressing love and support for Mac and myself. And then my mail arrived (oddly early), and there was an unexpected package from my high school bestie. Inside the package was a candle … and simply written on the label was … “No words, just hugs.”
Kindness comes in many forms.
Half a world away, my son needed to catch a flight from Italy back to Germany – except he is a corneal transplant recipient and his eye was doing “something funny”. Not funny. This could have been a rejection, and very serious, and he needed to get to a hospital. I don’t have the particulars, but the gist was that he was talking to his hiking guide when a couple walked by and, recognizing the guide, stopped to say hi. They overheard my son’s plight and offered to drive him to the local hospital. Complete strangers. Who does that?! An amazing, random act of kindness.
His eye problem ended up to be less serious than we imagined (phew) … but during his 14 hours of travel, being at two hospitals in two countries, finding a (24 hour) eye specialist in the middle of the night in Berlin, having his bags stuck in Zurich (somehow), not having cash on him when needed, not being able to see, and blah blah blah … he encountered other people who went out of their way to help him. Another couple offered to drive him to an ATM. Another, to (and from!) the hospital in Germany. And when he arrived at his apartment, at nearly 3 am, his neighbor saw him dragging in and invited him to join some friends at his apartment across the hall … a lovely nightcap to a ridiculously long, angst-filled, and fretful day.
Open yourself to these random acts, because apparently, they (and people who do them) are out there.
Thank you to the universe and to all who sprinkled us with love and so much kindness these past days … my faith in humankind has been restored.