Day 21
I hate cancer. Plain and simple … I do. And I can’t do anything about changing my view. I know hating something is toxic … not good for the body … definitely not good for the soul. But this, I can’t help. I can do nothing but hate it. And I do. 100%.
And not just because I watched first hand what it did to Tim. What it took from us: my husband (lover, friend, companion, partner), my children’s father, a good friend of so many, a brother and son to our families. I watched it ravage his body and wrack him with uncontrollable pain as he endured treatments and side effects. And if this was a war – cancer won. He lost. We lost. We watched it take him from us – ending his life … and changing ours.
It’s just not because of that. It’s because it affects everyone. Somehow. It’s hideous. It’s like one of those horrid little wind-up circus monkeys that clank cymbals together. Just when you think it’s dead/done … it starts clanking again … all the while with that creepy, disturbing monkey grin. And just when you think you’ll never see that thing again – there it is – on the cover of some catalog or in some store … staring you down.
And just when you think cancer can’t happen AGAIN to anyone you know. You find out it has.
It’s too prevalent and I hate it. Yesterday I got news regarding three friends. HOW can this continue to happen? Confirmations that life is not fair … that bad happens to good people … AGAIN.
One has a double masectomy scheduled … breast cancer. Another’s lung cancer treatment is not working and the cancer is advancing – again – devouring his body and options. And then there’s a friend’s son … 29 years old. The poster child for physical fitness and wellness and health. Mr. Muscle. The Golden Child. Mr. Fit. Mr. Health. Mr. I’ve Got It All … Looks, Brains, Personality, Body. And cancer.
It makes me sick.
Here it is a beautiful Saturday morning and I should be outside making a snowman with the dogs … enjoying life … reveling in the heavy snow that Mom Nature brought our way this week … and instead I’m inside – thinking of cancer – and how lives are changing for no fault of their own. It’s not right. Nothing about any of this is … right.
Cancer knows no mercy. It is cruel and uncompassionate. It is a bully. It is ugly. And I hate it.
And I miss Tim. Horribly.
And yet – I remain optimistic. I am not a doctor nor a psychic but I know in my heart that my friend’s son will be okay. HOW do I know this? I don’t know … I just feel it. Somehow. For whatever reason … I see this as just a blip on his radar screen. Something he and his (soon to be) wife will look back on and say it was the “PITA” (pain in the ass) time of their lives – a few months of stupidity and inconvenience. I usually have good gut knowledge. I trust it. I rely on it and I will go with it … because I can’t stand thinking and not believing that all will be okay.
So, as I said when we were first facing Tim’s cancer, “Watch out cancer – we are going to kick your ass.” Well, it didn’t work … but we tried. And that’s all anyone can do … give it your best shot. Keep positive. Believe in medicine and miracles and the power of prayer and love.
And when cancer comes to call on you or someone you know … tell it to hit the road. It’s not welcome. Not now … not ever.