Day 173
As many of you know I am a numbers person. I count.
I count when I am out walking. I don’t sing. I don’t think. I count.
I find it most aggravating! I could be solving the world’s problems but instead I’m counting the number of steps I can take before stepping on a crack in the sidewalk, or how many steps it is until the next street sign, or how many steps it takes me to cross the park. It’s crazy.
It’s also crazy because some things I don’t want to count … I just do. Like today.
Today is day 2192 since Tim died.
He was 52 years old … had lived nearly 19,000 days … and then he was gone.
Today was the 6th anniversary of his passing.
6 YEARS. I have lived almost 73 months without him. That just doesn’t seem possible.
That first day I didn’t think I’d get through one more hour as I truly felt like my heart was broken. Shattered. Not working properly. I remember, consciously, telling myself to breathe … that I could do this … that I could make it through.
No one knows what losing a spouse is like – until you do.
I think of my kids … they lost their dad that day. I have no idea what that feels like because, at 55, I am fortunate enough to have both of my parents still. Amazingly enough.
2192 … that is almost 15 times the length of his battle with cancer. FIFTEEN TIMES. How is THAT possible?
From the day he was diagnosed to the day he died … it was 148 days. A drop in the bucket. A blur in the memory. Not even the length of a season. It makes me sick.
And it makes me sad … because there are days when I feel like that life didn’t happen. It feels like it was just some movie I watched a long time ago. I look at pictures of our intact family and wonder where IS that family? The three of us now live in different states … how did THAT happen?
Life is weird.
The other day I found a picture of us at Yellowstone hiking some trail … the kids were younger (as were we) and it made me wonder what happened to these carefree souls? It also made me wonder how I got to where I am, by myself, in a state I swore I’d never return to?
Life is weird … and sometimes it takes you on a journey … or two … that you never thought you’d go on. The path twists and turns and winds its way along and most of the time we can’t see around the curve ahead … but forge along anyway hoping for the best. And sometimes we get it.
And sometimes we don’t. And cancer is your roadside companion and the dead end is looming. And you have 148 days.
And others have 2192 … and counting …
It is what it is.